how do we live our lives?

you cannot just philosophize your life, it's either you live or leave it. my worry always was, with the so many things that bombard you, you live your life numb. i have come at a crossroad where you have just digest the current and leave the past. this has been the struggle the past years and months. and now this crossroad, i have to have it all. if the past was not an accident, so is the present. 

i am fusing all what i have been doing the past how many years - graphic design, photoshop, digital photography, art, manual illustration, my love for a language or languages and involving mental dialogues. 

i am in pain so to speak. there has been too much dictates on how to live my life, my faith, my art and how i should look at things. do i have to heed? why the sudden surge of bottled angst? oh well, it's not their art that i am consumed. i cannot live normal like others have envisioned of me.